I wrote this on New Years Day... Semi-wasted musings entirely distracted by a terrible 'hangover' and a day spent at a computer. I want to post this piece to this strange blog that I call my own because I am intrigued by what was going through my mind. I soon lost whatever motivation was behind my conviction, which was to go T-Total (third time in my life). It was too easy to turn around on myself and opt for the slightly more appealing alternative to Plan A. Plan B is simply to drink less. My friends said to me that I don't drink too much, yet this is a statement made in comparison to their own habits, which in all fairness, are filled with greater revelry than my own (or at least greater quantities of alcohol, consumed more often, no doubt). It's relative. At this point in time, I cannot commit to being so straight-laced. Call it escapism or a means of numbing undesired states of mind. Now I've reflected on it all, I see it as just plain fun.
I find myself questioning my perceptions in shock of how erratic my drunken behaviour is. This is not as complex as my perceptions of myself or reality, only how I envision myself developing as an individual in the future that lies before me. What defines my erratic, drunken-self can be categorised as 'what drunken people do' in general - such as chatting up random people, having overwhelmingly honest and sincere conversations with complete strangers, contacting people at the most unsocial hours, leaving without a trace when everyone else is probably too wired to notice. It is not these things that bother me most, nor is it the hangover the next day. It is now quite simply that I do not believe this person is me. A growing confidence and an almost arrogant attitude is swelling every time I take a sip of alcohol and I am taking too many more sips than I am used to. In this year 2011 I aim to achieve a number of things and my worry is that having this much fun will hinder these efforts. The very notion that I possess that I am capable of reaching these goals, I fear, is at stake.
I have accomplished a great deal recently and in the last year especially, I have grown up and changed in many ways. There have been many external changes that have gone hand in hand with the mental and emotional rise and this has lead to drinking a lot of booze. I question myself in less profound ways than I imply. I merely believe that by drinking I am becoming someone I do not want to be; overly-confident, too trusting and unhealthy - both in mind and body. I haven't been to the gym in a long time. I accept this may sound dramatic, however, I have an addictive personality. Now is the right time to make a small change that may have a huge impact. What makes this decision even more significant for me is that I cannot drink without smoking and I only smoke when I drink (with the exception of the past few months, which have been stressful, to sat the least). Therefore, by giving up one, I relinquish the other as a vice.
I know how to have fun in a drunken environment whilst remaining completely sobar. I have done this before - twice, in fact, for a year at a time and each time my decision to go T-Total was based on entirely different factors. By going T-Total one more time there is always the chance that it won't last. In all likeliness it won't last my lifetime, but in another years time there is no way to tell what may happen and how my world will evolve. This time I want to learn more about myself and this world without being impaired by intoxication. I want to see how I can change. I want to know what I can change. Most importantly, I want to save some cash money.